Chapter 6 Obituary Document

The Healing Project Book

By Dennis Lantz

Chapter 6 -Obituary Document

A worthy goal, I think, is that we arrive at the end of our life in as healthy a state as possible… and satisfied that our dreams have been achieved. Content and satisfied is a worthy goal.

Our lives are our stories. We each have a unique tale to tell. Even when I was a voracious reader, I was always curious as to how a book would end. Many times, I found myself flipping ahead for a glimpse. A hint. I didn’t read the end. I just wanted some sort of idea so that I wasn’t completely shocked or disappointed.

You can judge me, if you like.

Life is one storybook where you cannot flip ahead. (It goes fast enough, so you won’t have to wait long for the ending.)

The Healing Project is about changing, sharing, and improving life stories. Your life story. My life story. While many details of our existence are similar, our approaches and thought patterns are unique. One of the reasons for this book is to get you to share your story. I have seen too many pass on from our mortal world without leaving even the simplest token of their existence. You are more than a name in a census ledger, local newspaper obituary, or family Bible. You are an integral cog in the machinery of existence.

When I say you should have an end-focused strategy, I don’t mean that you should concentrate on the outcome and ignore the journey. I don’t advise anyone to plan their life to the smallest detail. Spontaneity is healthy… and you need to let the universe supply you with excitement and newness.

The message of this book is for those stuck in a rut. For those who have been unable to achieve their goals even when knowing what they want. And for who know they want something different but have no idea how to ascertain what that could be.

Assessment isn’t the plan. But it can be used to plan. It isn’t your purpose, but it can reveal that purpose. It can help you determine which dreams you wish to fulfill. And it will clarify your individual healing process… your own healing project.

Writing an obituary document is important for your loved ones. And for you. It lets them know your wishes… as well as your story. It can help you organize your life and define your dreams. This is not your obituary. It is a way to tell your story. An organizing of your life so that, when you are gone, those you leave behind will have a sense of closure. I will explain how I wrote mine so that you can write yours. The plan is for you to personalize it to your desires and needs.

It's also not your will, but that should definitely be a part of the entire document.

It isn’t hard to imagine what it would be like to get that horrible news from your doctor. Many have. It happens every day. Terminal. “You better get your affairs in order.” This means organizing your affects… your final arrangements, insurances, your debts, your last wishes. Sharing important information with your partner or loved ones.

I propose putting a lot of details into your obituary document. Start now, before (hopefully) you get your final notification. (It’s also important to note that not everyone gets a warning. Most do not.) I alter my document occasionally, but the basics remain the same.

Because your Obituary Document is for your closest loved ones, it is important that they know about its existence.   

The vital, but probably least interesting, portion of your Obituary Document is the ‘getting my affairs in order’ section. Necessary life paperwork, your personal will, Social Security information, birth certificates, insurance details, financial accounts and records, personal or social media details, and important passwords should be included. If they cannot be in one place, make a list of their locations. Organizing these details will make life easier for your partner or spouse or anyone who needs to take care of details in the aftermath of your death.

The ‘getting your affairs in order’ section of your obituary document can be at the beginning or at the end. I put mine at the end. Just make sure that your closest loved ones know about it.

Writing your own Obituary Document.

I started my Obituary Document a few years ago. It’s a resource for me… even as it will help my loved ones when they do take on that onerous task of writing my obituary. To help you create your own obituary document, I will detail what I included in mine. There is healing in knowing your own story. There is wisdom in self-awareness.

No matter how vocal you are about your life, how much you share, there are always details that no one knows about… except you. And those factors could help someone else on their journey of healing. An Obituary Document is a great way to outline the story of your life. To share You.

Your Obituary Document can be as simple or as articulate as you wish. Begin with an opening statement, as simple or as revealing as you like.  In a notebook or typed document, start with:

My name is ________________ and this is my Obituary Document.

I began mine with a favorite quote.

Birth and death are only a door through which we go in and out. Birth and death are only a game of hide-and-seek. So, smile to me and take my hand and wave good-bye. Tomorrow we shall meet again or even before. -Thich Nhat Han

Next note those basic life details that can be used for writing your future obituary. I used to think obituaries were boring and vague. Usually, an abbreviated family tree followed by a few flowery words to make the dead person sound better than they really were. Almost all are too short to capture the essence of the deceased... because it’s hard to put much information in a five-hundred-word statement.

After writing a few, so soon after losing people I loved, I realized that most obituaries are far better written than should be expected under the circumstances.

Now I read obituaries to ascertain connections. I check to see if I knew the person or anyone in the family. Where did they live and work? What did they enjoy doing? I feel true sadness for those who died younger than me and for those who lingered in illness for too long. I’ve always thought that death should be sudden. Both for the person dying and for the person grieving. Maybe that is selfish. There’s room for disagreement on that topic.

All of our obituaries will someday reveal those same boring details. But it is important to have them included. List your parents, maybe your grandparents, your siblings and any other family member or friend who was important to your story. Whomever is tasked with writing your obituary will be grateful.

You can be as simple or detailed as you like. As an example, I wrote:

I was born in Troy, Pennsylvania on April 30, 1970, the fifth child of Duane Thomas (Tom) and Marlene Joanne West Lantz.

I’m not sure why their first five children were born in Troy. We lived on Ghent Hill in Sheshequin Township and there are two hospitals much closer. After I came, they must have finally realized this… my youngest sister was born in Sayre, two years after me.

“Don’t get too attached,” the doctor told my mother. “He isn’t likely to make it through the night.”

Underdeveloped lungs and other issues, I guess, from coming into the light a few weeks early. I was supposed to be born in the middle of May. So, I wasn’t premature. I guess I was sickly. I’ve had an abundance of minor health problems for most of my life, but I kept plugging away. I can now honestly say… I might die too young… but I’m not going to die young.

I like to tell people that I was conceived during Woodstock. The timing is right. I don’t say ‘at’ Woodstock… I say, ‘during.’ My religious, conservative parents did not jam out to Jimmy Hendrix, Joan Baez, or Joe Crocker. It’s funny thinking of them doing so… but it didn’t happen. There’s a possibility they never even heard those names or that music.

I outlived the doctor, by the way. I don’t feel bad about that. He had a several decades head start.

…

After you list your siblings, their spouses, children, pets, or any other pertinent information, you can list your personal hobbies, pastimes, jobs, memories, special considerations and more. Make each of these a separate section of your obituary document.

I thought it important that my Obituary Document show my gratitude, faith, optimism, and hope. You can include any themes that you want to.

Here is my entry under Hobbies and Interests:

You can say the usual uninteresting things about me. I enjoyed reading, the outdoors, winemaking, writing, gardening, genealogy, primitive living skills, woodworking and numerous other projects, tasks, and hobbies. When I was younger, I did a lot of hunting and fishing. I gave that up for health and other reasons… and other interests took their place. I liked most types of music, but preferred rock, folk, or bluegrass. I wrote my own songs and sang them while driving around in my car. Maybe you’ll hear them someday… maybe you won’t.

…

When listing your jobs, add some colorful commentary. My first paying job was unloading wagons of hay bales for two local farmers. I only did that for one summer. I’d done haying at home, of course, but this was the first time working for anyone else. I think I made $1.50 to $2 a load… and one farmer allowed all the cold, fresh milk I wanted during the process. I worked for a few months at Ames in Towanda, a few at Agway in Wysox, a few for the Daily Review in Towanda as a janitor… then a few more at the Daily Review as a reporter. It isn’t often that the night janitor gets a call from the news editor for a meeting. I was puzzled when he asked if I might be interested in doing some sports reporting. Some unknown, unnamed person wrote him a note telling him that a very talented writer (not my words) was working right under his nose. It wasn’t until much later, after I had already left the job, that I discovered the culprit who sent that note to the editor. Reporting sports led to a full time, though short-lived, news reporting job. The lessons I learned from that helped launch my book writing career years later.

I worked a few months as a reporter and news editor for CQ News, a start-up venture for on-line news reporting for the owners of CQ Services. I think it was one of the earliest on-line community news sources. This was around 2003. Only the big papers had websites then.

I started work at Horn’s True Value the same year I worked for CQ Services. I didn’t expect to stay as long as I did, but the years flew past. I was the store general manager for much of my time there. That sojourn ended with the death of the store owner, Karen D. near the end of 2023. I stayed through the clearance sale which ended just before my fifty-fourth birthday. I am currently employed part time at Antler Ridge Winery. In almost every way, it is the perfect job for me.

…

I’ve read some well written obituaries… and some that weren’t. I’ve read obituaries that made me laugh uproariously. I’ve read vindictive obituaries. I’ve read several that brought tears to my eyes. The thing about life is that we experience all of these… the laughter, the anger, the sadness.

All of us have a story. They can be made interesting by the words we choose to tell them. Let your creativity and uniqueness show. I included some original poetry in my obituary document… and I am not even a poet.

If poetry does not interest you, include short topical paragraphs instead. Write about your mother or father. Your siblings. Your family. Your friends. Write about a favorite pet. Share your passions.

My poems expressed gratitude.

The first is called, unoriginally:

My Obituary Poem:

Fare well, Y’all

I’ve loved and lived,

The books I’ve read

And wrote too few.

Each breath I drew,

Each sense I used,

Each sunrise, noon

And sunset viewed,

Each one I met

Along the Way,

The one I chose

To share my days,

Were gifts from God,

I should have known,

And now I thank Him

For my time.

…

Special Dates: Remember to include all the special dates in your life, other than your birth. Graduations, marriage, children… and events that were important to you.

…

You are an Original: Tell stories about yourself that only your closest friends have heard.  I was an unusual child. I preferred to play alone. I had characters within my head that I played with and grew up with. Nine-volt batteries, toilet paper rolls and composition notebooks were my favorite toys. Reading was my life. Libraries and bookstores were my greatest educational resource. I read alone, but never felt lonely.

I’m glad I grew up before the digital age.

…

My obituary document has other specific categories:

What I want as a memorial. My favorite songs, books, artwork. The sports teams I rooted for, despite much disappointment.

I even included my thoughts on life and dying:

I don’t want to die in a hospital. In fact, I don’t really want to die inside a building. I’d like to take my last breath while resting beneath a large tree… out in the middle of the woods. I’ve told Christy and others that I want to be hoisted on a platform for the birds and nature to feast, but that isn’t important. I don’t even know if it is legal. There is no need to float me down a river on a burning raft or anything spectacular. I simply want my soul to leave my body while surrounded by natural beauty. I understand the odds of that not happening. Doesn’t change my mind.

I’ve been thinking about the afterlife for most of my life. You can’t be raised in the Pilgrim Holiness Church and not ponder “eternity”. There was a lot of fear instilled in me. I wish it weren’t so. I probably would have been more receptive to religion if I was told that, after physical death, my spirit could fly around doing barrel rolls or float along on a friendly breeze. Or maybe I could spend eternity sitting with great scholars as they tell stories about life and the afterlife. I’d like to sip wine, throw darts with my atlatl, walk across the oceans, and even visit distant planets. Most of all, I’d like to see those who have gone on before me. I do miss them. That sounds like heaven to me.

…

Your Obituary Document need not be long. But it can be. Just make sure that your family knows about it and can access it quickly should the need arise.

I don’t recommend putting nasty or derogatory statements in it. But it’s yours, not mine. Include whatever you want to include.

...

Until next time,

Read, Learn, Live.

Dennis Lantz is the author of Zander's Tale. The Spiders of Eden, and the Pine Street Trilogy (Pine Street and the Mighty Mutation Circus, Pine Street and the Dino-Beast Clones, and Pine Street and the MIrrors of Freedom.) His nonfiction Summer in Gentlewoods uses journal entries to tell the real-life adventure of living in a primitive shelter in the woods of his family farm.

Dennis and his wife, Christy, live in Warren Center, Pennsylvania. They share their home with Austin, a Texas rescue who is a cross between a Jack Russell and an angel.

For more information visit www.dennislantz.com or follow Dennis Lantz Books on Facebook.