Separating Myself From My Dreams

 By Dennis Lantz

For the past few years, I honestly believed that I was going to do it all. I was going to accomplish every worthy dream I had ever imagined since I was a child. I was going to be fulfilled because my lofty dreams were going to be achieved. You see, I thought of these grand dreams and myself as one entity. I was my dreams. The dreams were becoming reality because I was becoming reality.

We grasp for the stars like a wildfire of primitive longing. We fly like Icarus above the clouds… too high. Too high. Neither those dreams nor I are immortal. But both of us are born of good intention and desire. Both struggle when we doubt our worthiness.

Reality came to visit. And we have wrestled. The problems confronting me are many. I’ve shared them before. Focus. Finances. Poor health. I vowed with the most earnest sincerity that I would overcome these obstacles. Obviously, I realized that it would be difficult. But my heart was true. And thus far, it has been a valiant battle. It’s not over yet. I’m not sure how it will end. But it will end.

The biggest difficulty I have is limited time. I don’t mean the twenty-four hours in a day. Surely, it would be helpful if there were more. No, I’m talking about the unknown amount of time in one lifetime. Every day brings us closer to the end.

I attacked my dreams like a whack-a-mole game. When one interest popped into view, I’d focus briefly on it. Then another. Then another. And I never got far along on any of them.

I wish I could say that I had a better game plan now. Things are tough. Not just for me. Everyone alive today is dealing with soaring costs. With political tension. With social chaos. Often, in my opinion, with outright evil. Our connections have been stressed to the point of severing. I want to be informed. I try to keep my eye on the global world even as I focus on my personal dreams. But keeping track of everything is exhausting. Nearly impossible. For me anyway. Too much. My thoughts deteriorated. My soul was irritated. Attacked. Devastated.

Generally speaking, I am an optimist. I love the possibilities… of both humans and their ideas. I believe that I see problems clearly and am usually adept at finding solutions. But it is often harder than I can manage. I see the evil in the world. Unlike many, I don’t believe it is a moral failure to sit out some battles. One cannot spend one’s life continually arguing. That too is demoralizing. A maelstrom of pain and fear. I lift my eyes to a higher power.

Don’t misunderstand. I always knew that there was a high probability that some of my dreams would not be realized. That saddens me. Not for my sake. But for the benefits they would bring to others. I’m struggling at this moment. Tomorrow I may be better. But today, I am doubting my ability to accomplish any of my loftier dreams.

The dreams don’t end until the last breath is drawn. But is there wisdom in holding on to dreams that may be too big? Should I release them? Let them free? They say that about love, I know.   

They also say that it’s enough to just be. To appreciate being alive. To experience and spread joy. To be grateful and kind. I do my best. So, I keep asking myself… am I foolish for wanting more? Am I delusional for wishing to make the world a better place? I know the world needs it… but does it want it?

Part of me believes that we may be living in the end times. I don’t really know what that means but it puts my dreams in a different light. Makes them almost pointless. But end times be damned… I am not a quitter. Even if tomorrow were guaranteed, which it is not, I would want to live as I am now… uncontented but with hope. You ask… wouldn’t contentment be better? Of course. So would having my dreams fulfilled.  

I have already overcome obstacles… and I get thrown new ones every day. I realize that I am not special in this regard. Each of us has our own problems. Some are far worse than mine. I am ashamed, but somehow heartened when I see someone suffering with dignity. Shouldn’t I be as strong?

How inopportune that life is comprised of so much heartache… and so much exultation. How sobering that our dreams so often outreach reality. It’s quite possible that that is what makes life so precious.

When you have big dreams, you have to focus. You have to prioritize. I thought that I had done a good job of doing this. I was wrong. It’s time to hit the reshuffle button. To assess everything. Again. What brings me the greatest happiness now? What unfulfilled dream will I regret the most should I die before it is achieved? Where do I allocate my limited resources?

I am writing again. Books. Fiction and nonfiction. It’s something I can do that doesn’t take money or exhaustive physical energy. Thus far, it hasn’t been lucrative or world changing. I remain optimistic that it will matter to a small number of people. Writing takes a lot of time. The most precious resource. But while my eyes may blur from staring at the screen, my body aches less from writing than from other endeavors. My body isn’t as strong as my hope.

When I started writing this, it felt as if I was creating a note of surrender. Like I was giving up on my dreams. Killing them, in fact. Dreamicide. Is that what you would call killing a dream? I haven’t given up yet. Like I said, I’m not a quitter. Maybe that is a personal lesson I am too stubborn to learn. Maybe holding onto my dreams is to my detriment. Who can say?

While I focus on my writing, I hope that my other dreams don’t die. And, if they should start to lose life… that some help arrives to resuscitate them. The truth is simple: I can’t do it alone. I remind myself of this often. I am going to need help… but I do little to garner that assistance.

So, that is my next course of action. Even while I am writing on my various “masterpieces”, I will seek help. I will ask God for guidance. And I will ask everyone else for just a little energy. A little help. My dreams and I are connected. We both could use a small boost.

I have always believed that by identifying the dreams, we make them real. In the beginning was the Word. That isn’t blasphemous. If the larger creation began with a spoken word… my much smaller efforts can begin with the written word.

I am slowly separating myself from my dreams. We aren’t one, after all. I am worthy without them.

Your purpose… your reason for being… is not the same as your dreams. But when they align, you will find yourself on the road to satisfaction. Your life will be blessed. Fulfilled.

I am going to list my top four dreams. Which doesn’t sound like a lot… but each one is ambitious on its own. Combined, they are big.

I’ll let you and the Universe judge whether or not they are worthy of realization. I won’t be disheartened if you don’t think they are. But I will disagree.

Dream #1- The Healing Project

The Healing Project will be a sanctuary for healing and a facilitator of personal dreams. I have been cleaning my family’s old farm with a goal to transform it into a haven filled with healing gardens. Unfortunately, the land and the buildings are in extreme disrepair. Garbage and junk are abundant and need to be removed. Most of the structures will have to be torn down after they are cleared and cleaned. And then the design and creation can begin.

I’ve been working at cleaning, part time, for over four years… and it doesn’t seem to be much closer to finished. Obstacles include thieves, lack of equipment, and the sheer volume of junk.

Eventually, the land will be transformed into a beautiful park. Peace gardens, walking trails, bridges, benches, cabins, a fruit and berry orchard, a Free Shed, Trading Post, sculptures, rock cairns, a labyrinth, a bookstore & library, a selfie-center, the world’s largest atlatl and dart, a treehouse, and rock or earth art that can be seen from the sky… are all parts of the dream that have yet to be undertaken, constructed or obtained.

The Healing Project will be a resource center for health and healing. In addition to the gardens, the possibilities for The Healing Project are endless. Classes for exercise and spiritual growth, a food pantry, writing and art conferences, special events… all these and more can be offered once the place is ready.

I am writing a book about The Healing Project. To share the fundamentals of the dream. I will be posting this on-line as a serial publication. Chapter by chapter, even as it is being written. In June of this year, I began utilizing Facebook for The Healing Project Journal. These are separate projects… but with the same goal. To make The Healing Project a reality.

Dream #2 The Library of Self-Reliance

The Library of Self-Reliance will be a community resource for learning and sharing homestead-style skills and other life lessons. It will be a group of people connecting students with teachers to learn or share new skills. Once the initial group is running, it’s format can be “franchised” and shared for communities everywhere.

I hope that the old farm can become a multi-purpose center. For The Healing Project and for the Library of Self-Reliance.

Dream #3 Two dozen books

This is a personal dream. Writing is a huge part of my life. It’s part of my purpose. I would write if I had only one reader. To date, I have six published books… with at least a dozen more in various stages of completion. Most are fiction… but there are also The Healing Project book and two planned sequels to Summer in Gentlewoods.

Dream #4 Original Board Games

A few years ago, I began developing original board games. I felt inspired to make some logical, simple games because, even then I realized that our human-to-human connections were becoming strained. I’m not a game player, but I enjoy interacting with close family and friends. In the real world. Not through modern technology.

Board games have to be fun… or no one is going to play them. I came up with a few that, in my opinion, were worth producing. I spent hours cutting pieces and developing prototypes. At this point, that is as far as I got. I’ve shared one game with others. I believe it was well received.

I hope to make the board games a part of The Healing Project. They can definitely be utilized to connect people.

…

There you have it. My top four dreams. When written out, they seem simple… and achievable. Now you, and God, know my desires. God has His own plan, and I pray that He uses me to this end. I don’t believe He would have given me such lofty ideas if I wasn’t intended to go after them.

And it isn’t as if I am starting from nothing. I began this journey long ago. Everything I have learned has brought me to this point. I just need to keep plugging away. If I ever write an autobiography (that’s unlikely because I’ve already shared all of my better stories), I will call it Plugging Away. When dreams seem too large, it is important to break them down into smaller, achievable goals. And keep plugging away at them.

Thank you for being part of my journey. I apologize if it seems like a bumpy, inconsistent ride. But it’s genuine and made wonderful by your presence.

Until next time,

Read, Learn, Live

Dennis