Vision Quest Preparation

By Dennis Lantz

6/15/2020 – Going on a vision quest was not my idea. I did it reluctantly. It was the best thing I did all summer.

Looking back at the summer of 1995, those three days of isolation were, without question, the most difficult undertaking of my life up until that time. Over a quarter of the pages in my Hogan journal were written during the vision quest and several more dealt with the preparation and aftermath. I learned an immense amount about myself… not all of it good. I was filled with doubt and fear. My confidence level was not high. To be honest, I was afraid that God would actually speak to me and I wasn’t ready for that.  

Mark talked about taking a ‘quest’ right from the moment we moved into the hogan, but I did not share his enthusiasm for such an adventure. I didn’t really know what a quest was or what to expect. I’d read fictional accounts of Native American youth going into the wild to ‘find their name’ or to determine their path in life. I figured there was a small element of truth in the tales, but that most of it was stereotypical nonsense.

Someday, I hope to publish the Hogan Journal in its entirety. But even then I will remove some of the mundane dreams or coarse human details that I included. For the purpose of posting interesting content, I will break the vision quest experience into three segments. The first will explain our pre-quest preparation and discussions. The second will include multiple pages written during the quest. And the third will cover the aftermath and how one key component of that quest became a major theme in my upcoming survival story, The Spiders of Eden.

For the record, our quest was not one of complete deprivation. We did not take food, but we had water, warm clothes and, most importantly, a notebook and pen. Later I will list the ten things that went to my quest ‘circle’.

In preparation, much time was spent searching for our quest areas. We prayed, meditated and took frequent hikes. The spot had to be just right… wooded and isolated, but not full of interesting details to occupy our senses. You will see that I failed in that regard. A portion of our area, approximately a dozen feet in diameter, was designated as the quest circle. Neither of us was certain if we would stay within our area or periodically wander the trails of the woods. We figured the spirit would lead us.

My location was north of the old sap house, up the hill and to the east of the creek. Mark hiked across the road to the west and up the hill onto Shores’ or Palmeter’s. I’m not sure exactly where his circle was, though later he showed me.

We didn’t want to interact with any people, but figured we needed some means of communication in case of an emergency. A notebook at the sap house was perfect for leaving a brief message. I have since read accounts of people using rocks on a stump for the same purpose. Not wanting to run into each other at the sap house, we decided he would go there at a particular time of day and I would go at another. I couldn’t find this in the journal, but I believe he went in the morning and I had the evening.

The first mention of the quest in my journal was on the last day of May.

5/31 - Mark had an inner-vision experience at my trailer. For some unknown reason, he went to the back bedroom and pulled an old Reader’s Digest from a stack of magazines. When he opened it he found an article about vison quests. He didn’t read it then, but ripped the pages out and stuck them in his pocket for later. We took a sweat lodge, probably the hottest and weirdest one to date. I got all numb. When I crawled out of the “womb” I was dizzy and unbalanced and very weak. I could have passed out and had a vision right then. But after a moment of good meditation, I recognized my propensity to worry about control of my own body and my fear of losing that control. I lay for a while on the ground and then sat on the creek bank just existing. I was very ‘zoned’. Mark went back into the lodge for a second round, but I didn’t. When he yelled “doors” I opened them. As he crawled out I noticed that his eyes were glistening silver as if he were possessed. (Note – he wasn’t.)

6/8 - Mark has been talking a lot about the vision quest. He has a list of topics. We’ve discussed them. I am not as eager as he is to venture into the world of the spirit. We each wrote a list of questions… topics to contemplate when we were in our circle. Below is my list.

(Note: 6/15/2020 – I wrote these prior to going on the quest and jotted answers while inside my circle. In my one of the next two blogs I will provide the answers, but for now, I simply want to give a glimpse of my frame of mind. Some of the questions seem naïve or odd. But that is what I was.)

VISION QUEST QUESTIONS:       

1.       What are the beliefs that I would die for?

2.       What must I change about myself?

3.       What can I use that I already have?

4.       What sort of relationship do I want with the world of spirit?

5.       How can I overcome my physical and spiritual fears?

6.       How can I overcome my guilt and resentment?

7.       What is the best way to change people for their own betterment?

8.       What is the best we can hope for?

9.       Am I worthy to be a warrior? What must I do?

10.   How should I proceed with my future? If I have one…

11.   How can I still my mind?

12.   Can I use my “inner vision”?

13.   Will I gain courage?

14.   Why am I here?

15.   How shall I live? In society?

16.   How should the teachings of Christ be used in my life? Should they?

17.   What is my spiritual representative? (6/15/2020 Note: we were looking for some inspiration from an animal, bird or plant…)

18.   What shall I call myself? (6/15/2020 Note: We did have some stereotypical desire to obtain a new name.)

19.   Is the path I have chosen the best for me?

20.   Where do I wish to go?

21.   How can I best live the vision I have been given?

22.   How does my family fit into my vision?

23.   Will I be hungry? Become emotional? Will there be psychological/spiritual effects? Can I really do this? Will I be protected? Cold? How will I react? Will I have a vision? Will someone or something speak to me? Can I calm my fears? Overcome them? What physical effects will this have on my body? What if thunder and lightning comes? Must I suffer to become spiritual? Will I be able to stay the duration?

(6/15/2020 - For some reason I jumbled all the last questions together.)

This great moment is coming soon. I eagerly await and am both excited and scared.

6/15 – The vision quest is now a scary thought again. I thought I had gotten over the greatest fear concerning my doubts and the possibility of debilitating hunger. Well, just when I believed those fears to have lessened, I gave them power again. And they grew quickly. I had been looking forward to the excursion with anticipation and still do, but not quite as much. Mark said we should write a last will and testament. Perhaps I can do that on my first day in my circle. My worst fear is giving in to my hunger. Saying, what difference does it make if I chew on some wood sorrel or garlic mustard? It is not much, will not affect the purity of my body. It is just a nibble to ease my longing and my fear.

…

And finally, the most important plan… sometime next week most likely will be the longed for and dreaded vision quest. Mark wants four days. I’d prefer to do three. I think we can settle for three and a half. Even though I am in much better physical shape than I have been in for some time, I am fearful of my physical body. Why? I have faith that the Great Spirit will see me through and protect me, so why do I fear? The logical mind cannot offer any explanation. My fearful “logical” (or “illogical”) mind has been dominant for so long that it may be unwilling to relinquish its dominance. Sometimes I am calm and understanding and other times I have fear. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced/ anticipated experiencing. Many have gone before me and surely many will come after. 

My fear is that just perhaps I have not been chosen or that I am not meant to succeed. Every thought like that, of course, is ludicrous. I will succeed because I will have help. I will not fail because my faith will keep me strong. It is foolish to say that I wish it were over already for it may be the greatest event of my life. But if it were over I know my fears would not be as great. I can do this! I will do this! What if I come out even more miserable? That would suck…

(6/15/2020 – The crazy part, to me, is that I almost didn’t go on the quest because my father had a heart-related episode and was in the hospital.  On June 16, 1995, he went for a short walk and quickly grew tired. Mark and I, luckily, decided to grab some food from the house. We didn’t know my dad was outside. As we sat at the table eating, we heard a grunt and crash outside in the driveway. Dad had gotten dizzy and fallen. Mark called 911 as I ran out to him. My mother gave directions for Mark to relay to the emergency crew. He stayed in the hospital for several days and was still there when we began our quest. But he had made considerable improvement and was waiting for his heart doctor to release him. He was home before our quest ended.) 

6/18 - We have decided to take the vision quest! Tomorrow we will sweat and then likely start on Wednesday around noon. We could change that and begin as soon as tomorrow evening. There is supposed to be a thunderstorm so I would rather wait, but I do want to get started.

6/20: Packing list for the vision quest:

1.       Sleeping bag

2.       Warm clothing

3.       Notebook and pen

4.       Plastic bag for notebook and other things

5.       Pocket knife… not sure why. Do I need to carve?

6.       Toothbrush and toothpaste

7.       Two jugs of water

8.       Tobacco and pipe

9.       Lighter

10.   Myself

Today we took our pre-quest sweat; it was a long slow, very warm one. We didn’t get it burning hot, but I felt drained afterward nonetheless.

I talked with Mark all evening about writing, school memories (great teachers and how few there are), life, O.J., women, how we will raise our children if/when we have any and much more. All the talk on my part was a weak attempt to keep my mind off the Vision Quest. It worked for a while, but now I am thinking more about it. What will I do? How will I think, write. I plan to do a lot of writing - of a will and testament, maybe some poetry, maybe some writing exercises.

WE WILL BEGIN THE QUEST ON THE SUMMER SOLSTICE! How very cool and unplanned.

6/15/2020 – While we talked at length about our upcoming quest, it was mostly about spiritual opportunities and possibilities. Other than hoping we wouldn’t get too hungry, I don’t remember discussing physical or mental expectations. We may have half-jokingly mentioned obtaining our spiritual names. Mark did not appear to be afraid. If he sensed my anxiety, he said nothing. I did not know that over the next couple days, many of my doubts and concerns would be enhanced and made manifest.

Until next time,

Read, Learn, Live

A short distance from the bridge is a trail that runs north along the creek. From there it is but a short uphill journey to my vision quest circle.