Tanner Z Landsight - I Have a Big Cranium

Do you remember how we lived before social media sites became such an integral part of our lives? Instead of broadcasting our daily details via our smart phones, wifi-glasses, Dick Tracy watches and other devices of which I am blissfully unaware, we went on computer forums to seek out those with similar interests. As best as I can recollect, these were called chat rooms.

I didn’t go into chat rooms. I was primitive. I was more into ancient technology like atlatls and flint knapping than all the modern stuff. Tanner reflected those thoughts in his articles.

The following was written in 2005, not long after meeting my awesome future wife. For the record, we did not meet in a chat room, but we did email a considerable amount. If you don't remember email, watch the movie You've Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. This will explain everything.

  

I Have A Big Cranium

by Tanner Z. Landsight (Oct. 2005)

I like a sense of the absurd. I enjoy putting two or more topics together that have no plausible connection... just to get a laugh. It isn’t a writers’ secret. Anyone can do it.

History and archaeology fascinate me so I read and watch much that is offered. I especially enjoy the theories that go beyond the accepted range of scholarly debate. Some are so far off the wall that I'm probably not the first to ask... did Internet chat rooms play a role in the extinction of Neanderthals?

Farfetched, you think? As a theory, it isn't any crazier than some I've read. Many books exist that tell how aliens and emigrants from Atlantis aided various cultures of the ancient world and brought about civilization and advanced architecture. I've read them all and to be honest, it would be sensational and uplifting if they were true.

While I have no evidence that conclusively shows that the Neanderthals were addicted to chat rooms, it just makes sense that it would be easier for two ugly ‘people’ to converse via the Internet than to trudge thousands of miles over frozen wilderness. That's a long way to search for a mate.

Of course, chat rooms are great sources of honesty today, but back then it wasn't so.

Imagine, if you will, an ugly slacker in the foothills of modern day Romania sitting with a laptop and using one finger to type out - "Me Oog. I am handsome. I am the best rock knapper in my group. I also have a big cranium." (For some reason, Neanderthals were obsessed with the size of their craniums.)

Over on the other side of the frozen continent, little Oogla shares her poetry and Oog is smitten. He simply must meet her.

They decide to meet somewhere in the middle, maybe a noted little coffee shop in Zurich, but she never shows because, heck, that's quite a hike. And her mother convinced her that Oog was probably like all the other male Neanderthals. ("They only have one thing on their mind... hunting.")

Oog, however, didn't let a little rough landscape or even rational thinking get in the way of his desire. He went to Zurich and - when fair Oogla didn't show - pined away and never married.

Thousands of similar stories might have brought doom to our elder cousins. I don't know if Neanderthals would still be around today if they stayed out of the chat rooms, but I'm sure that Oog would have been happier.

I often ponder the demise of the Neanderthal because I'd like to know what really happened. Barring the invention of a time machine, it's unlikely that we will ever know.

Speaking of time travel, an interesting side bar to the story of modern society is the number of people who would rather have been born at another time in history.

I recently met a woman - well educated and not unattractive - who told me she would give anything to have lived in this part of Pennsylvania two or three hundred years ago. When she said "anything," I got a bit nervous. I kept expecting Rumpelstiltskin to suddenly appear.

She was interested in the natural beauty that existed "back then" and I couldn't persuade her that there was just as much beauty in the modern world. To her credit, even she thought that she was taking the "grass is greener" concept to another level.

Others, however, have trouble fitting into our culture and believe that they would have thrived under different circumstances. Maybe they would have, but I'm skeptical that they'll ever get an opportunity.

It's likely that you have heard someone express such a desire. They each supply their own idealized time period. "If only I had lived in the time of... (pick one or more of the following)... dinosaurs, wild cowboys, flappers, the Spanish Inquisition, the Civil War, or the 1970s."

Just for fun, I think that we could mix and match a top-notch movie with these. A band of cowboys, recently returned from both sides of the War between the States, along with a group of flappers, are sent back in time and must use their roping, shooting and flapping skills (I honestly have no idea what skills a flapper had...) to fight off all kinds of dinosaurs. It might not be any better than the one where a couple of hippies from the 70s get caught in the Inquisition ("That's a groovy dress you're wearing, dude!"), but I'd pay to see it.

Anyway, the two most common time periods that I hear mentioned are pre-contact America (that's before telephones, I think) and medieval Europe. I've read stories about these periods and the appeal is understandable.

Europe, during the Middle Ages, was a magical place. They had knights, wizards, dragons, warriors and kings... all the things we name our sports teams after. Everything, that is except Mighty Ducks. I don't think there was ever a mighty duck.

They also had fair maidens back then, but they called them damsels. These lovely ladies were always being damselnapped by cruel and ugly ogres so that the knights would have a reason to polish their armor and get out of the castle for some fresh air.

This time period wouldn't be a good fit for me... I happen to be afraid of dragons.

Pre-contact America probably wasn't as glamorous as many think, either. Sure, the music was good and unemployment was low, but I've seen the movies from that time period and everything was black and white. No color.

The truth is that I am perfectly content to be living right now. It's rather exciting. We've made significant improvements in toilet technology and I'm not sure that I could live without my Flo-bee.

But, if I had to choose... you know, if someone had a time machine that only went back to a time before anti-bacterial soap and I really had no choice... I'd go back to the time when the Cro-Magnon people co-existed with Neanderthals.

You see - I have a lot of caveman genes in me. My favorite pastime is throwing spears with my atlatl. My second favorite pastime is explaining how to pronounce atlatl. (That's at' laddle, rhymes with fat cattle... which any caveman can tell you will get downright ornery if you start throwing spears at them.)

Throwing darts (that's what we call the spears to completely mess with people's minds) is more than a hobby. It is also a great method for screening out modern fair damsels for dating. My favorite pick-up line is "Excuse me, miss... are you in need of a man who likes to throw a thin stick at big targets?"

It isn't as effective today as it would have been back in the time of the Neanderthals. I believe that the cave ladies would have responded more favorably. Today's women say, "Get lost creep..." as they whip out their pepper spray.

If I did go back, I'd not only like to find out the answer to the extinction puzzle, but also to a couple other important questions.

Did cavemen ever wish that they lived just a few hundred years earlier? If I had to guess, I would say that they didn't. After being regaled with stories from their grandparents about scaling glaciers to and from school every day without so much as a sealskin sandal, they liked the present time just fine.

And were the cave paintings, in fact, just reading material for paleo restrooms?

These are pretty important questions, I think. I wouldn't want to leave you with the impression that I would go back in time just to look for a mate. This isn't the case. I've been assured that there are plenty of pretty women who are perfectly happy to be living in the modern world.

To these women, I say... forget that line about throwing sticks. I carry my atlatl with me just in case I meet up with a mean, old dragon.

Did I mention that I have a big cranium?

Hope you enjoyed. Until next time,

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