Tanner Z Landsight - Blame It On The Aliens

Even though some of the Tanner Z Landsight articles are about topics that were more relevant ten or fifteen years ago, I will post them anyway. Back then, climate change was still called global warming and everyone was certain that the end was near. Well, not everyone, but Al Gore and his cronies were. 

Now more people believe it is real, but argue as to whether humans are causing it or if we can do anything about it that will actually make a difference. Tanner had his own ideas on the cause.

Blame It On The Aliens

by Tanner Z. Landsight

10/26/2005

A friend of mine tells the story something like this...

"Aliens came to my home when I was very small and abducted me. I was taken to their home world, an odd place with strange creatures and even stranger customs. The worst part of it all... they left me here!"

I happen to believe him. Of course, I have believed some funny things over the years.

It is likely that myths and rumors have always played a more important role in human culture than reality. We say that our ancestors were superstitious and their beliefs were based on ignorance. The humorous truth is that modern humans are far more prone to living their lives based on specious half-truths (or even total untruths) than at any time in the past. Most of our beliefs are harmless... others have the potential to keep comedians and politicians employed for years to come.

Did you hear the one about the daddy-long-leg spiders being the most poisonous spiders in the world, but that their fangs were too small to break through our skin? It's a rumor, not a myth, but it could gain myth status after we eradicate all those poor, leggy, evil buggers with the notion that we are making the world safer.

I heard this from someone who swore that they saw it on TV and I think that I read it in a national magazine. I passed it around as fact - hey, it was good to feel informed, even if I became totally biased against those misshapen arachnids.

It turns out that I was wrong. Many of us were wrong. They really are harmless and safe for children to scoop into cups and pockets to keep as pets. Just don't eat them as this will cause long hairs to grow from your nostrils and big warts on your chin. I saw that on TV. I think it happened to one of my friends.

I used to believe that humans were causing global warming and that if we didn't change our ways quickly we'd be fishing for tuna off the coast of West Virginia. I realize that it was pretty darn hot here last summer and in Europe this summer. I guess some records were even broken.

But it isn't humans to blame. It's the aliens. Yep, I got that bit of truth from my friend. You see, they use cow engines to run their spaceships and we all know that cows can release greenhouse gases from both ends. They used to use congressmen, but their antiquated combustion engines couldn't handle that amount of octane.

A few people I know would say it is blasphemous to tell you that last winter was the coldest on record. You might want to look that up on the internet when you are searching for the truth on daddy-long-legs...

Some knee-jerk scientists have mentioned the possibility that a new Ice Age is starting. I've never lived through one of those, but I imagine that it would be easier to keep the beer cold. Cities like Phoenix, Dallas, LA, San Jose and Tampa Bay might even decide to get NHL teams. On the good side, the economy would be bolstered by dog sled couriers and igloo makers... and the Jamaican bobsled team could practice closer to home.

I've read some interesting stories lately. I'm not sure if they are true, but that won't deter me from spreading them around. I read that the old Wild West was actually quite tame when compared to certain inner city locations and a few more rural regions of today. I read that nuclear energy is the cleanest source of potential energy (no greenhouse gases and little pollution except for the evolution-inducing sludge that could bring about interesting new life forms.)

Of course, I also read a book explaining that Atlantis was really on Mars and that early humans escaped global catastrophe (ala' Superman) by hopping on spaceships to come here. It sounds reasonable... I saw drawings of pyramids on that barren surface that might have come from actual photographs! If what my friend says about coming here as a child is true... well, it's all starting to fit together.

Here's a little script from a modern western that I've been working on. The scene is a hot, nearly empty, desert town. A few locals sit around the bar quaffing warm beer and moaning about the influx of daddy-long-leg spiders. An old man and a young kid are in the middle of a conversation when we enter...

Old Man: "Sonny, I'd sure like to go out and stomp a few of those poisonous critters with you, but it's just too darn hot out there."

Kid: "January is always hot down here in Canada, Pops."

Old Man: "Wasn't always like this you know. When I was your age we had us a real honest to goodness Ice Age. I made a bundle hauling frozen fish and beer with my dogs between Dallas and San Jose for the ice hockey games."

Kid: "What happened?"

Old Man: "Those darn aliens came with their methane cow engines. Pretty soon it started to get warmer and warmer."

Kid: "How come I never heard about these aliens?"

Old Man: "They didn't stick around long after they found one of their kind that they had left here on earth years ago."

Kid: "What happened to your dogs?"

Old Man: "Sold them to some fisherman fella down off the coast of West Virginia. He uses them to cart nuclear-dried fish and warm beer for the water polo games."

Kid: "Wow! You've been around awhile and have seen some amazing changes. What was the biggest?"

Old Man: "We used to think daddy-long-legs were harmless. When I was a kid we used to let them climb all over us. That was before the aliens genetically altered them to have bigger fangs, of course."

Kid: "Those darn aliens."

Best seller, I'm sure. Anything is possible if you believe.

Until next time,

Read, Learn, Live